Painful Memories
by Lydia2
Summary: After the events in Thor's Hammer, Jack and Daniel settle the matters between them. No Slash


I don't own Stargate. This was written as a tag to Thor's Hammer. Sorry if there are any canonical inaccuracies but I wrote it awhile ago and just forgot to post it. Please R&R.

Daniel trudged into his apartment and plopped down onto the couch. It had been an absolutely devastating day for him, having had his hopes soar and then come crashing down by his own hands. Why had Jack forced him to do that? Why had Jack given him the choice, either free Teal'c now or leave his Jaffa friend there while he searched the universe for his wife and brother-in-law?

"Why, Jack?" He moaned out loud. "Why me?"

"Because I wasn't strong enough," came the completely unexpected reply.

"Huh? Jack? What do you mean?"

Jack looked as bad as Daniel felt. He was leaning against the wall, having managed to get in without attracting anyone's notice, thanks to the Black Ops. "Just what I said, Daniel. I knew exactly what the options were and I knew it was my responsibility to get everyone home, but I left it up to you because I couldn't bear to choose. Not again." This last was a hoarse whisper that Daniel almost didn't catch.

"Again?"

"Condemning the innocent. Last time—last time I got lucky, but this—this was like asking me to sit through eternal instant replays of Charlie's death. It was so hard to decide, Teal'c or Skaara and Sha're and your sanity."

Hearing Jack put it that way forced Daniel out of his own pit of agony. He carefully rose to his feet and went to the older man, pulling him over to sit on the sofa as well. "Jack?" He asked again. He hoped that his friend would choose to talk to him, though at the same time, he had a feeling he did not want to know. He overruled that sensible part of his mind savagely. Jack was bleeding inside and needed to speak.

A long moment later, he heard a ragged sigh. "It was the Black Ops, of course, Danny, so I can't give you all the details. Suffice to say we had a mole. A man I had thought to be a good friend was feeding information to the enemy. I was forced to confront him, but he expected me, he had a hostage, a little boy." Jack gulped hard several times before continuing, keeping his mind focused on the warmth of Daniel's hand on his back, rubbing small circles. "He had a gun pointed at the kid's head and I had my gun pointed at him. The boy—I just kept seeing Charlie, who was six at the time. I knew there was no choice and I fired, shot my 'friend' between the eyes. His hand jerked and the gun went off inches above the kid's head. I was shaking so hard, I was afraid I would pull the trigger again and I couldn't look in the boy's face. I thought he would be terrified or disgusted or…I don't know. But then when I let my gun fall, I suddenly had an armful, he was hugging me so hard, tears were pouring down his face but he kept thanking me for saving his life." He felt his friend's arms go around him and unashamedly broke down for a moment.

He straightened up long before Daniel would have expected any other man to get himself under control in such circumstances. But this was Jack, so it wasn't so surprising except in that he had allowed himself to break down in another's presence.

"I'm sorry, Jack," he said. And he was, for many things. "Have you ever forgiven yourself?" He felt his friend stiffen for an instant before slouching again.

"No, Danny, I don't think I ever will either. I'm just living with it, or trying now at least. I'm sorry for making you make the choice."

"Don't be. You were right. Teal'c is family. And if I'd had to watch you destroy the device, well, I'd probably have a hard time forgiving you. As it is, I just feel for you, that you had to go through what you did, then and now. Uh, but what do you mean when you said you were at least trying to live now?"

Jack lifted his downcast head and met Daniel's eyes. "You know exactly what I'm referring to. You know what I was going to do on Abydos. That I didn't is only thanks to you. Now, we will find Sha're and Skaara, I promise you. And we know now for sure that there is a chance of removing the Goa'uld and leaving the host intact. All we have to do is find those aliens or their descendants. He looked like a Roswell grey, by the way."

The non sequitur was rather disconcerting. "Uh, who?"

"The holographic alien that appeared when we landed in the labyrinth."

"Ah, okay. Um, Jack?"

"Hmm?"

"Would you like to sleep on the couch? You, I mean I'll probably have nightmares or something and I feel safer when you are around."

Jack looked startled. "Really? I would have thought I was the least likely candidate on your list of people on earth for waking you up from nightmares. Thanks, though. I am rather tired."

Daniel got up to get blankets and said with his back still turned, "You're number one on my list of people I trust. Good night."

There was a half sob behind him and then Jack answered. "Good night, Danny. I don't deserve you."


End file.
